On Motivation and divisions of energy

 I think about writing more and want to but also feel extremely unmotivated to. I guess it isnt just a lack of motivation for writing, simply a lack of motivation overall. Some days I feel like my head is blighted by brain fog that hangs so dense and heavy, simply getting up in the morning is all that I can manage. And other days, medicated ones, perhaps, it feels as though my head is more clear but my limbs feel non-functional. Or is it that my body is up but my mind is still sleeping? It feels like a jumble of all the things that add up to not too much, in terms of productivity. Which is an erroneous place to dwell in when one is chronically ill but there it is.

Therefore, I have shifted my mindset somewhat to include the small wins in a day and string them along to splay out a different sort of life. Rather than have a to do list with boxes to check, there are mere suggestions of things to get to, as ability arises. And, once one thing is managed, time for rest is allotted too. To balance and counterbalance the energy as it surges and recedes. 

In so doing, this last week, I managed to fill an entire dumpster with detritus from the house/garage. Amazing! All my teaching papers that lingered in boxes in the garage, gone. Clothing I havent fit into in 8 years +, gone. Random junk and broken things from the closets, gone. And, two van loads of donations to the thrift store to boot.

Sure, the house isnt so much different, which highlights just how much clutter we have, but it is a starting point that shows me how the small bursts of energy can add up. I was so motivated the first day the dumpster arrived but by the middle of the day, had to lay down and rest; this was not what I intended to do but allowing myself the necessity of rest was important. The next day I wasnt "back at 'er" bright and early either, having forgotten to take my daily meds. Instead, I was in bed, feeling the tiredness roll over me like a steam roller. I did manage to continue working on stuff around 2pm and continued until I was done tidying up the garage again. Increments of ability rather than swathes seems to be the key. I had a deadline, yes, I had some goals I wanted to accomplish. I thought about some separation of donations from trash, but I wasnt fixated on it. And that was the key too, to not overwhelm my system with the perfect would haves. In an ideal world, I wouldnt have dumped everything, but my world is far from ideal and my ability far from perfect. So I did what was possible, which I was/am proud of. I did a thing and the kids helped me. 

And so it goes...