Emerging from Numbness

 This is an interesting read/book list:

Breaking Free From Hustle Culture

I have been on long term disability since late 2018 and have filled that time with dr appts, therapy, and a whole lot of rest. At first, the burn out from my dedication to “hustle culture” made it easy to disappear into the morass of oblivion. I was working incredibly hard, just not on tangible things. 

I have been on a new stimulant medication for a week now. It keeps me awake—sometimes for as long as 19 hours per day. It is the oddest adjustment, having previously spent 14 hours per day napping/sleeping. Awake does not mean I have energy. I am exhausted still but the medication makes me restless and unable to slip into the quiet of sleep until it has bled itself out of my system. 

In the last week, I have tried to “catch up” on the things I felt like I had let lapse—organization of digital files, bullet journaling, reading, deleting emails (4000+), clearing Ebooks I have finished reading on my phone (100 of them), sorting books in my library. And it strikes me that I am feeling quite at loose ends about what to fill my time with. I am…bored?

Now that I no longer teach, my scramble to build lesson plans/resources/timetables, is unnecessary. My children keep themselves occupied, my spouse has his own hobbies. I have started a “no spend” challenge and am not currently allowed to drive until my doctor clears me again. 

It’s not that there isn’t stuff to do—household chores, decluttering, and the such are still here, of course. But I have lost touch with who I am and what I like. What interests me and what stirs my creativity? 

Emerging from emotional numbness is a process and a slow one at that. I feel like I am on a precipice but dont know what lies ahead.

I am not “better” nor do I want to return to the grind of hustle culture, it is simply all I knew how to do.