Thingadailies 3: Abandonment

-

I slept through most of today, while the warm winter sunshine poured over me. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t even fraught with dark thoughts or terrible nightmares, just an inexorable bleakness that I could only feel as heavy fatigue.

As in my paintings, it seemed to turn toward me and then, as weariness overtook me, turned away, darker and more foreboding than when it looked towards me. Abandonment.

The work I have set before me in therapy is to discover how to let go of the shards that keep cutting me down. To see a younger me, comforted and safe. To move forward from the past. I do not know how to do this.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Thingadailies 5: Hurt People Struggle to See Themselves

-
Image
My lack of/struggle with my identity often makes me feel out of control and child-like, when I wasnt permitted to exert a lot (any?) control over even minor things. I was dressed in boy-ish clothes and given a boy-ish nickname with a boy-ish haircut, in direct contrast with my older sister with the floral name, long hair and dresses. It seems like such an odd thing to be hung up on but to this day, wearing clothes that are floral or feminine gives me pause and I dont feel like they are appropriate for me. I have been making in-roads into my grey, black and blue wardrobe with yellows, pinks, corals and reds, but each purchase has to be made deliberately and with an eye to change, everything just outside my comfort zone. My therapist asked me to complete a self portrait so I could try to figure out a bit more about my identity issues and how those manifest themselves in my nightmares. Ironically, on the same day, I received the gallery photos of my resilience photo shoot from wa...
Read more

To Hear Clearly

-
Image
I am often asked what I want to get out of things. And it is a hard question to answer since I am unclear about how to move myself forward in all ways. What do I want out of my fitness goals? Uh....I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. What do I want to get out of therapy? Uh....I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Is that too lofty a goal? It is certainly not a SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, or timely) goal and I don't know any component that would make it so. I feel somewhat like I am groping through the dark for the light switch--not knowing what obstacles exist in front of me, not being able to discern how close or far away it may be, not even sure what shape or size the switch may be. What I do know, however, is that I am in a dark place but I am not the darkness. And I know that once I reach that switch, I will know what it is. And so, here I am. Looking. Reaching. I started the next round of therapy yesterday. It is with the Sexual...
Read more

Thingadailies #whatever: Fear of the Unknown

-
Image
We had begun hearing about the novel coronavirus out of Wuhan, China sometime in December, or early January. It felt remote and only vaguely unsettling since it was happening on the other side of the world. Of course, we were concerned about this new virus and how quickly it seemed to overtake the population there and how vigorously it was quarantined by the regimental government. But it wasn't anywhere close to mind. Eventually it began to spread outside of the bounds of Wuhan, making it's way via travellers to other Asian countries (Hong Kong, Japan, South Korea, etc) and becoming more frightening with the climb of infected and dying people. But it still wasn't top of mind. March began with cheer and countdowns to vacation. As soon as the first case appeared in Edmonton on March 6th, things began to shift noticeably. When the spread began to effect countries such as Italy and Spain, the numbers took on a more pallid hue, and governments here began to pay closer atte...
Read more