“It feels like the whole world”

“It feels like the whole world”

I am feeling fragile, friends. And these words from Wil Wheaton made me feel vulnerable and seen.

Trying to overcome childhood trauma—even when those around me would say I didn’t have it so bad, that I wasn’t terribly abused or mistreated—feels like this. It is shattering and overwhelming and distressing.

I want what I can’t have: to go back in time and protect that little girl from feeling so alone. To have loving and supportive parents who didn’t terrify her or mess up her gender identity; to have someone protect me from the hitting or the pinching or being locked outside during mealtimes.

I go back to that empty well for love often, still, even as I take steps and set boundaries to protect my fragile and broken heart, but it is still empty and fractured. I don’t need pity, just understanding.