To Hear Clearly

I am often asked what I want to get out of things. And it is a hard question to answer since I am unclear about how to move myself forward in all ways. What do I want out of my fitness goals? Uh....I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. What do I want to get out of therapy? Uh....I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Is that too lofty a goal? It is certainly not a SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, or timely) goal and I don't know any component that would make it so.

I feel somewhat like I am groping through the dark for the light switch--not knowing what obstacles exist in front of me, not being able to discern how close or far away it may be, not even sure what shape or size the switch may be.

What I do know, however, is that I am in a dark place but I am not the darkness. And I know that once I reach that switch, I will know what it is.

And so, here I am. Looking. Reaching.

I started the next round of therapy yesterday. It is with the Sexual Assault Centre and I dont mind saying so, to break any stigma that exists with the notion that sexual assault is somehow unsavory or too delicate to be mentioned. I was sexually abused, multiple times. I am struggling with the opening of this long-closed and ignored closet but I am not ashamed to say that I am here.

I need validation, and a lot of it.  I need people to say to me clearly OUT LOUD and in lots of different ways: "You DID experience this." "You DIDN'T do anything to deserve it." and "You CANNOT get over it without going through the emotional processing of it."

I have put this therapy to the side for a whole year while I learned coping techniques, recognition of emotional disregulation, regulation and healing of somatic symptoms, and found readiness and courage.

And now here it is. Let's begin.