I am WORTHY

I started my therapy session talking about my insecurity about speaking up about the way my hair dye job came out. I said that I felt conflicted about speaking up and that I felt partially responsible for not speaking up sooner and that I felt the door for that conversation must surely be closed. She disagreed that I should have spoken up sooner, since I had, of course, put myself willingly into the hands of people who were the "experts" and that I, the customer, didn't have that expertise to draw on. But that, regardless of anything else, I had the right to express dissatisfaction if things didn't work the way I had wanted them to. I HAD THE RIGHT TO BE UNHAPPY.

I went on to note that my parents have returned home now and I am experiencing an uptick of emotion since they now believe they can return to things the way they were before we "took a break" from contact. I felt pinned by their phone calls, FB posts/messages and upcoming gift giving. ANd when she asked why I had let me boundaries go soft again, I had no response. I felt obligated to this empty well. She pointed out that they never asked if it was an ok time to talk, if it was ok that they called or posted or even bought gifts, They never considered me at all but I HAD THE RIGHT TO BE RESPECTED and even further, I HAD THE RIGHT TO SAY NO TO THEM.

And there it is, the crux of so many of the issues that plague me. I come second. In every conversation, or consideration. I put myself at the bottom of the heap in an effort to keep the peace. I used to believe this was because I had low self-esteem and because I was trying to be kind. Kindness, as it turns out, isnt this.

In the psychosomatic book, Trauma and the Body, Pat Ogden discusses how this is "often misinterpreted as depression, resistive self esteem or passive-aggressive behaviour, this fragmentation of self from one's worth, needs to be considered a hypoarousal response to trauma...it is the aspect that [is] submissive and compliant that perceive[s] the environment to be dangerous unless others [are] pleased" (Ogden, 2004)

And there it is. I have a pathological need to subvert my opinions to those around me, especally when I am feeling vulnerable. Other times I like to rock the boat and give my unwelcomed opinions and boundaries, but those moments these days are few and far between. Instead, I cave to whiny kids, to aggressive people, to advertisements. I feel like others MUST know more than me and I SHOULD let them take the lead. This, of course, is not a good strategy because I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HEARD and I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL WORTHY.