Hard revelations

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My SACE therapist called me out today for being combative and contrary. While this isnt the first time I have been told this, I guess it was startling to be told right off the bat by someone who I had only met once before. We probed why it was important to me to push back or negate the things people say and I think it relates to needing to "prove" myself. To feel the information I provide will lessen the chance of being misunderstood, as I often do. I guess I am striving to make connections but in pushing away I create disconnection.

We also discussed my coping methods--reading exercise, painting--and the fact that all of those gave me a sense of accomplishment and why did needing satisfaction or accomplishment seem necessary when I was coping with difficult emotions or situations? I wasn't aware how closely I tied surviving  with accomplishment--is there some legitimate connection here? Why is accomplishment even necessary for self-care anyway? In fact, self-care should create space and simply be enough in their purest form.

When I described how reading Starfish had impacted me so deeply (Asian character, who had been sexually assaulted as a child, who also had a narcissistic mother.Yikes.) she asked if reading was a form of self-harm, which I might consider to be true. After all, similar triggers make me re-live certain memories and thoughts. When asked why I would read them anyway, I think that characters in books will have resolution to their stories.issues in ways that I have not. So it makes sense to me why I would seek out ways to feel fulfilled in that way.

So, while none of those points are without cause or merit, I think they remain startling conversations,   

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